None of these are very attractive options...

All of them are Wdym bro

Time skip: Perfect for trolling, you can do some sick tricks, great defensive and offensive capabilities if need be, quite intimidating

Android: Infinite energy, shoot ki blasts, fly, absorb energy, (depending on type) massive power and speed boost, also intimidating in a fight (nothing they do harms you)

Random water Pokemon: cool pet, useful in dangerous situations, fun to mess around with, easier travel overseas, infinite water

Alucard's abilities: Idk too much about his powers, but basic vampire stuff could maybe prove useful.

Become G1 Soundwave: Soundwave is the best singular Decepticon (Devastator/Constructicons are more cool but are multiple transformers)

Mochi Mochi no mi: Infinite food, great defense capabilities, intimidation points (if you get conquerer's too) able to predict the future, become far stronger

They're all pretty good, hard to decide.

Now that I think about it, I want to be an android or have alucard's abilities, most water types are kinda useless so there is no real point in getting them, and if I get like Kyogre to something, that thing isn't gonna listen to me, so I just cooked all of us.

Bro i chose time skip but what if i get lucky with the pokemon and get kyogre hang on let me do a random water pokemon generator

Barraskewda so my pokemon is a disappointment ok then

All of them.

Devil fruits are pretty bad to have IRL since if someone want you dead they can push you into water and you drown

Also just because you eat a devil fruit doesn't mean you'll always get a broken power

Nobody would know about your fruit though...